I'll drink to that.
And I did! ALOT. For a long, long time. Till slowly I came to realise it wasn't a lifestyle that I wanted to live & I really didn't want my boys looking for a girl that lived her life like I was. Who knows how it will really pan out - But I want to know that I did my best. So that was then that seed was planted. Granted after that decision life continued to go downhill but anyway...
The process of not drinking anymore or having the same associations with it has been a long one for me. I would say real decent work on for about 7yrs.
I think its fair to say I lived a party lifestyle.
The further I get away from it - the more I realise it was a real problem. Nothing like a bit of distance to give you clarity.
Its hard when you are in the mix. Around everyone else that is living the same lifestyle. It just becomes the "norm". Until you realise it isn't.
Redefine, realign, redesign.
It took a lot, like a whole life overhaul lol. It took years of trying to stop & failing. 2weeks sober here, a few of months there - to back into the bingy lifestyle yet again. Then it took a major crash n burn to make me take stock of my entire being & actions - to realise that I had some serious changes to make. That I had been spiralling down slowly for years - whilst of course keeping a smile on my face, doing that mum thing, running my ass off & keeping the house on lock - as you do lol
When I tried sober nights, it bought up lots of feelings for me. Resentments, "boredom", questioning why I felt I was missing out, usually binge eating food which is a whole other story lol There was good stuff of course - but I was unsettled within. I had to really work at it.
Ultimately I knew it wasn't right for me but I didn't know how to curb it.
What I realised now, was it was an inside job. I had lost my self somewhere along the way & well I guess maybe I was trying to find something? Me? Meaning? Anything? Perhaps it was just an easy choice. It sure was a comfortable habit. Alot of fun at times.
But really underneath I felt lost.
Melancholy I would call it. Disconnected. Wondering why I was so unhappy, when really I had a lot to be grateful for.
What I know now, is that I was abandoning myself, for something that had become a comfortable crutch in my life. The easy path. The known.
I had to redefine my whole life. My beliefs. Where I went. What I did. The way I spoke. My habits. Who I chose to be around. How I treated myself.
I had to learn who I was again & part of that was stopping drinking.
I had to be brave & honest with myself -first & foremost.
Cycles & Circles
I then of course went round & round in circles. Slower, ever growing cycles of learning. Always going back to drinking to learn yet another facet of why it is no longer for me.
To be honest as I sit here I still think - well it would be nice to just kick back n have a drink - but my new reality is - I value my clarity more - now that I truly know what it feels like.
To know myself. To be inspired. To love life.
For me alcohol was false somehow. It fooled me. I was a fool.
A mask I put on perhaps, for when I didn't really know who I was?
I have learned a lot.
I remember looking at people at events thinking how & why would you even want to be sober lol O man how far down that hole I was.
I see now from the top that life is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. That I don't need nor want any substance to "make it better", to relax or whatever the story was I was telling myself.
I just want to be me - its what I have wanted all along.
I want to experience the beauty of life how it is meant to be, through my eyes anyway. My journey.
I don't want to feel like I go away anywhere, because I am happy being right here.
I will no doubt have another drink
But its different now.
Its not a have to. Its not an escape. Its not because everyone else is. Its not because its a sad occasion or because its a happy one. Its not because its been a long week. Its not because life is tough.
I don't know what it will be for. But it won't be the same reasons as what it used to be.
All the reasons I used to drink I no longer have.
I am just responsible for myself in which case I now have the tools to work though "things" in a healthy way.
Have different boundaries
Have better self esteem
No longer self sabotage - Or recognise it when I do & definitely don't do it with alcohol anymore ( food is my current work on)
I am happy being with myself, in peace, in silence & stillness even.
I value my clarity waaay too much
I ain't going back *for the Russ fans *
no judgement here my friend
You do you boo. If your still drinking hey that's cool. That's your choice. I just know for me - its not something that works for me anymore. It did for a while, till it didn't or perhaps it never did - I just didn't notice - probably the latter I would say if I am really honest with myself.
Anyway. This is just part of my sharing.
As I look at this candle burning I AM FUCKING RELIEVED not to feel how I used to.
All the hard work has been worth it.
I don't feel like I am missing out on a thing.
In fact life feels fuller & more abundant than it ever has & it is such a blessing.
Where ever you are on your journey I send you love. I sure know it is a tricky one with many, many layers, twists & turns, pot holes n all.
Millisa xo
